Here is a list of 8 alternatives to lashing out at your child:

1. Make yourself stop for a moment before responding.

2. Take a few slow, deep breaths.

3. Count to 10 . . . or 20.

4. Send your child for a time out in another room.

5. Splash cool water on your face, sit down and remember to breathe again.

6. Phone a close friend or relative – someone who can give you support. Or, if you feel really out of control, call the National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

7. Write down or type up your thoughts.

8. Step out for fresh air or a quick walk(if your child is old enough to be alone or another adult is present.

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My father was an entrepreneur, although I don’t know if he knew what the word meant. A self taught man, there was nothing he couldn’t do, nothing he wouldn’t try, and I never recall him saying no to me if I needed or wanted his help with something. He liked that I was smart and although he would never say it, the smartest kid of 3 in the family; smart and appreciative, and so he had fun when we worked together.

One snow packy winter day, perfect for snowmen, when the lawn mowers are itching to come out of their winter hibernation, he went outside after breakfast and proceeded to build what I thought was a snowman. Well, after hours and hours he invited me outside o see the most beautifully sculpted snow horse I had ever seen. Every curve of its flowing white mane, every rippling muscle, nostrils wide and flaring, looking at those he was running at top speed.

I immediately began to cry. I had always loved horses, but we could never afford one, so this was my next best thing.  His name was Silver, not even a hint of a question about that, and he was the fastest horse in the world. Every morning and every night I covered him with a fresh coat of ice water to preserve him as long as I could.

Neighbors stopped by to comment, people driving by in cars slowed down to “ohhh” in wonder at this marvelous creation, and the local newspaper even did a feature story with pictures on my Silver and how it all came about. I loved that horse and I loved my father so much for such an amazing gift straight from his heart. I don’t know what prompted him to do it. I was only 10 and didn’t think to ask or know how to formulate the question.

But, good things too come to an end; and the day came in April when the sun rose too high in the sy and no matter how much ice water I used I couldn’t keep him from beginning to show the telltale drips that meant he was melting. I sat with him outside as one would keep vigil with a sick friend,  begged to sleep outside in case he needed me – “No, it’s too cold, Judy, you’ll freeze.’ From the wisdom of my mother. From my father, a tear – he understood but reality won out.

In the morning I raced down the steps and outside to see a shell of Silver, trying to stand proud, and melting. In 30 minutes it was over – he was gone.

I didn’t know at the time it was possible for a child to cry that much. I sobbed for hours, first hanging onto him and then in my bedroom. My heart was broken for the loss of the most gracious gift, the unexpected loveliness of it all, the hours we played together, and the possibilities of what might have been, the unrealized dream that has never died.

Exhausted finally from the tears and emotion, I went to sleep and dream t of my darling Silver, my father, herds of horses and love beyond measure.

Now what does this have to do with marketing, you ask. Of course, everything. Marketing never ends – building relationships never ends. Keeping your name “out there” never ends. You my dear therapists are providing such a marvelous service, helping people end their anguish and suffering. If you are good, you know it in your bones. Please share that expertise with others. My father kept that marvelous talent hidden for over 20 years – a terrible waste of a gift. And then one day, it burst forth – it was as if the world was too small for him all of a sudden – he HAD to share it.

He periodically did things like that as time went by – amazing, delightful surprises. He owned three businesses in his lifetime – all successful. And as I watched, and listened and learned, I watched him first build the trust which takes time. He was willing, more than willing. One of my very favorite tips he used – another grocery story opened their doors close enough to ours to be a real threat. A bit newer, more modern, but my dad had trust already stored up for years. When mom sent the kids to the store for a loaf of bread, they had a choice – newer or trustworthy. They always chose him. He      taught me his secret. When the got an ice cream cone, he gave an extra dip. When they got candy, same thing–”a little extra on the side for you, he’d say.  And countless other stories. It rubbed off…more value to the customer whenever possible, keep building the trust and he always shook their hand and said good-bye, come back now and called them by name.  I loved that man so much and never , ever told him enough. “Do you hear me now dad?”

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Know Thy Password. If you and your spouse don’t have a joint Facebook account, then share passwords to each other’s account. Therapist Tara Fritsch says, “It’s not suspicion, it’s communication.”

Trust Your Gut. If you find yourself e-mailing something you would not want your spouse to know, you are in danger of crossing a line.

When An Ex Resurfaces. If you get a “friend” request from an old flame, talk with your spouse about whether you should reply and how that will make your spouse feel.

Share with your spouse about the conversations; you want to build trust, not destroy it.

Set and KEEP time limits and topics of your conversations; again, trust with your spouse is the key.

And finally, if you are reconnecting for emotional support, take a deep and honest look at yourself and your own needs. Tell your spouse you want to have an honest talk about this, perhaps with the help of a therapist who can interpret the deeper issues that you honestly can’t see – alone or together, it doesn’t matter if you both go now, but you should definitely do this for you.

Another great tool is a set of cards created by www.BetsySansyby.com. I rarely recommend products unless I feel they are great, and this one is just about the best I’ve seen.

We will be glad to help find a therapist who is uniquely trained to help. Online help with our expert therapists is available here www.eTherapistsOnline.com. We screen our therapists carefully; most have between 20-25 years of experience and keeps rates competitive and affordable for you. Prices begin at $39.95 for 30 min email sessions. Email sessions are especially good because you can keep the transcript and “carry your therapist with you, write them instead of your old flames, and keep your relationship and you, true to yourself.

With the holidays coming up, this can be a vulnerable time for relationships; expectations (ours) are not always met in the way we want or need, the busyness of life seems to get worse and time for one another stays last on the “I’ll get to it tonight in bed,” and the we fall asleep exhausted, or go online looking for a connection.

Marriage is hard work – and oh so worthwhile when you put in the time and effort. Move it up, way up on your priority list, now before the full force of the holidays hit. You will be glad you did and you will have already begun anew to rebuild, repair, or restore what you had or want your relationship to be.

I wish you all the best,

Judy

www.Find-a-Therapist.com

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Most of us don’t have a sales team as such; in a solo practice, you are it. But you can gather your “internal” sales team and have a talk with yourself. So let us suspend belief for a moment and talk with your “internal team.

Assess your sales team’s current attitude and implement steps to overcome the obstacles associated with negativity or fatalism. If your sales team has a low level of expectation for success when dealing with prospects how effective can they be at controlling the sales process? If you keep subjecting your sales team to the same negativity without providing them new tools to deal with these obstacles you will end up with a resistant sales team and your focus will become motivating and convincing them to do their job instead of running your company.

One out of four will fail in negative economic times. Seventy percent will survive and five percent will thrive. Which category do you fall into? How many of the five percent do you have on board?

There is no shortage of money and paying clients “out there.” It is a matter of finding the right marketing effort that fits your style and your ideal client…and it is hard, never ending work. Personally, I love it, and my passion is helping you succeed so we succeed,but I know not all of you do love marketing.

This is where you take a hard look and say do I want a business or a hobby. Business wasn’t taught in grad school so there is so much catching up to do. Casey Truffo, and C.J. Hayden are two of the best at setting out a systematic approach to marketing that is easy to understand and highly effective when put into practice. I cannot recommend these more strongly to you.You can purchase them on the right side of this site through Amazom. I believe that it will be one of the best purchases you’ve ever made.

We have a new site launch coming up in 3-4 weeks which will offer you some great tools for your practice, mainly the way to create additional revenue streams with a shopping cart at no extra charge. If you want an early preview and a discount, go to

http://www.findhealthpros.com/index.php?cmd=show&id=1&page=…. To receive a 50% discount, enter this code: 17178. Questions, call us at 866-450-3463.

Remember, we want you to succeed.

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Take a depression test here

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Warning Signs
Often people who act violently have trouble controlling their feelings. They may have been hurt by others. Some think that making people fear them through violence or threats of violence will solve their problems or earn them respect. This isn’t true.

signs of violence

People who behave violently lose respect. They find themselves isolated or disliked, and they still feel angry and frustrated.

If you see these immediate warning signs, violence is a serious possibility:

• loss of temper on a daily basis
• frequent physical fighting
• significant vandalism or property damage
• increase in use of drugs or alcohol
• increase in risk-taking behavior
• detailed plans to commit acts of violence
• announcing threats or plans for hurting others
• enjoying hurting animals
• carrying a weapon

If you notice the following signs over a period of time, the potential for violence exists:

• a history of violent or aggressive behavior
• serious drug or alcohol use
• gang membership or strong desire to be in a gang
• access to or fascination with weapons, especially guns
• threatening others regularly
• trouble controlling feelings like anger
• withdrawal from friends and usual activities
• feeling rejected or alone
• having been a victim of bullying
• poor school performance
• history of discipline problems or frequent run-ins with authority
• feeling constantly disrespected
• failing to acknowledge the feelings or rights of others

From FindingStone (with permission)

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Certainly the cooler weather was a part of it, and now, living in Arizona, the cooler weather is a huge part – 113 degrees I can do without. It is more than that though, but again, I don’t need to figure it out. It is a time for looking back and looking forward and I like to do both.

As a businesswoman, it is important to do both. In an article I read this morning (by one of my favorite marketing gurus, Israel Rothman), among the key findings:

• Keyword (search) ads will remain the dominant type of internet advertising throughout the forecast period, capturing more than one-third of annual online ad spending worldwide.
• Display ads will be the next largest type of internet advertising, capturing more than 20% of worldwide spending annually through 2011, followed by classified ads with nearly 19% of all online ad spending per year.
• Spending in both categories will be pressured by rich media ads, which are expected to grow at a compound annual growth rate (CAGR) of more than 50% during the 2007-2011 forecast period.

Why is this important for me to know as a businesswoman and a therapist? Because mine and your clients are now online; they shop online, they order pizza, clothes, groceries, even cars and now, even if they have your name from an insurance company, or pay fee for service, they’ll look you up online. The 30′s generation often prefers to “see” a therapist online.

The practice of etherapy or online counseling began its growth in the mid 1990’s. Approximately 3500 to 5000 licensed therapists combine  their regular practice with an online therapy component. They have found it to be helpful for clients who cannot come to the office and for current clients away from home for extended periods.

Our site, eTherapistsOnline.com, is one of the only sites that goes to great lengths to verify the therapist’s credentials, personally interview the therapist and stat that we would rather offer the best therapists rather than have the biggest site like most of the others.

So knowing about your advertising dollars; where to spend them, which is most effective, and about your ROI (return on investment) is crucial as a businesswoman and therapist. Did you know that if you spend $299 on our highest price listing on Find-a-Therapist.com, even if you get only one client you will most likely break even. You’ll probably see your client between 6-10 sessions. If you charge $90 a session, lower than the standard rate in most places, you’ll earn between $540 -$900 -  a great return (how much money you made on your investment of $299. Many therapists ask how many emails they got from their listing, or how many hits they got, etc. But it doesn’t matter – the only thing that matters is their ROI. They also ask how many clicks thy got through to their personal website, and again, it doesn’t matter. The ONLY purpose of your website and your listing is to get the client to make that call to your office, and to return the voice mail that day if you aren’t there to take the call. Getting back to the client as soon as possible is critical, so make every effort to do it. If you don’t, another therapist will, and you will have lost another client and have another opening space in your calendar.

My favorite things – marketing is one  of them, and Labor Day Weekend always reminds me that I have to start my planning for next year’s marketing. Watch for some great new changes on Find-a-Therapist.com and make your listing one of those changes. Remember, for new customers we offer a free, 30 minute marketing consult to help you write your listing. We know we succeed only when you do – so we are doing our best to BE THE BEST for you!

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The trauma therapy model: Three stages of treatment

Most therapy professionals agree that the standard and best approach for working with trauma survivors should follow these three stages:

1. stabilizing and managing responses
2. processing and grieving traumatic memories
3. reconnecting with the world

Abuse survivors need to find ways to manage their reactions to trauma before they can start to look at the causes of the trauma. This is the first stage of therapy and is normally the longest. Some abuse survivors may decide to stop therapy after this step.

In the second stage, survivors begin to explore their childhood traumatic memories. Even after survivors move to the second stage of trauma treatment, they often still need to return to some of the skills that they learn in the first stage of treatment.

In fact, survivors will often return to stage one of the therapy during stages two and three. This is natural and you shouldn’t see it as a step back. If you try to complete stage two before completing stage one, you will not be prepared for the emotions that come with stage two. This may be harmful.

The third and final stage of trauma treatment begins after the traumatic memories have been processed. This stage deals with any issues relating to daily life, relationships and being connected with the world.
First stage

The first stage of trauma therapy will teach you about trauma and therapy. In this stage, you will create more effective strategies to manage the effects of trauma on your life (sometimes called “symptoms”). These new skills and knowledge should help you to feel more stable and better able to function in your life.

The first stage of trauma treatment does not involve looking at or dealing with early experiences of abuse. However, it’s important for the abuse survivor to acknowledge any experience of abuse or neglect. That way the therapist and client can begin a process of helping the client understand how the past affects the present.

The three key tasks of first stage trauma treatment are: establishing safety, psychoeducation and managing trauma responses.

Establishing safety

The first step of stage one is for the therapist to address any safety issues in your life, including:

* find safe housing (if you are emotionally/ physically/sexually abused)
* setting safety rules with the therapist
* checking to see if you are actively suicidal or need protection from harming yourself
* arranging a referral to a physician to check for any medical conditions (such as a thyroid problem) that could be making your physical responses worse, and to assess the need for medication, should you have depression, anxiety and fatigue
* making a treatment plan that helps you with any problems of alcohol or other drugs

Psychoeducation

Much of the focus in the first stage of trauma therapy is on psychoeducation. You learn how trauma affects how you think, fee and act. You may also learn about flashbacks, dissociation or numbing.

Managing trauma responses

The first step in managing your traumatic stress responses will be for you and the therapist to decide which trauma responses are the most painful and which interfere most in your everyday life. You can then work together to rank your responses from those that cause you the most problems to those that hurt you the least.

The therapist should use various ways to help you manage your traumatic stress responses and adaptations. These strategies will help you feel stronger and better able to cope, and find ways to care for yourself. While you may not stop or get rid of all your negative responses, these strategies should help you to control them better.

It is important to understand that the coping behaviours you developed to deal with traumatic stress (such as the use of alcohol or other drugs to block the pain) are typical behaviours that people use. These coping behaviours may temporarily help you avoid painful, disturbing feelings or thoughts but they will also interfere with your healing.

The therapist should explain the purpose of the techniques and strategies you learn about in therapy, so that you understand them fully and can practice them on your own.
Second stage

The second, or middle stage of trauma therapy involves looking at past experiences of trauma. It explores how the trauma has affected you in the past and how it continues to affect you.

Processing and Grieving Traumatic Memories

Processing traumatic experiences can be difficult and requires special methods. The most effective methods for dealing with traumatic memories are:

* cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT)
* eye movement desensitization reprocessing therapy (EMDR)
* body-psychotherapy and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy.

With both CBT techniques and EMDR techniques, survivors are asked to remember all aspects of the incident(s) as vividly as possible, including aspects that involve the senses (sight, smell, touch, hearing).

Many survivors instinctively avoid memories, thoughts and feeling related to the abuse they suffered, but avoiding these things prolongs the trauma responses and prevents survivors from getting over trauma-related difficulties.

Facing painful experiences instead of avoiding them lets survivors process the traumatic experience, and then the pain and anxiety will gradually lessen. Many women find that they have more intense feelings and reactions to the abuse when they are confronting their memories. However, you should not be in a constant state of crisis. If this happens, the therapy should return to the first stage of helping you feel more stable and able to manage reactions.
Third stage

The third and last stage of trauma therapy involves addressing any remaining difficulties in your life, as well as working on ways to connect fully in your relationships with others.

Reconnecting with the world

The third, or final stage is about dealing with the issues of daily life for survivors who are doing well, but who are still struggling with certain issues.

For example, you may feel pretty good, but have a hard time reconnecting with friends and family, have trouble finding work you enjoy, find it difficult to get involved in activities you used to enjoy or struggle to maintain healthy relationships.

As in stage two, survivors will continue to change the way that they look at their lives. They will continue to find new meaning and new ways to understand the past, and bring optimism, hope, spirituality and creativity to their future.

While clients will have already dealt with the trauma, effects of the abuse may still come up in new situations they are dealing with in their lives. This is normal and not uncommon.

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Well there is no guarantee that this relationship will work out better.  But the best chance you can give yourself and your new partner is to understand what happened in the old relationship.  That past relationship was created by two people and there’s no getting around that reality by thinking that your ex was the only one who made mistakes.  Frankly, most divorced people are able to see the truth in this.  But the effort you’ve made to understand how you contributed to the end of your marriage will only help your new relationship.  How?  Well this new relationship will push your buttons just like the old one did.  Why?  Because they are your buttons and any partner will unknowingly, and hopefully unintentionally, push them from time to time.  But if you know yourself enough and understand where and how you could have handled things differently, then you can feel more confident about not repeating the same mistakes.  That’s where therapy comes in.  Therapy isn’t about beating yourself up for past mistakes, but about understanding why you behaved in the way that you did, gaining some compassion for yourself, and learning how you can handle things differently.  So when it is time to move on to a new meaningful relationship, you may still have fears about your past marriage pop up, but you are able to honestly look at yourself and say that you now know better.  You can comfort and quiet your fears with some compassion and self-forgiveness that say, “I did the best that I knew how at the time, but now I know better.”  As the saying goes, “When you know better you do better.”  Will you go on to make some new mistakes in your new relationship?  Sure.  But they’ll be different because you’re now different.  You’ve learned, and that knowledge alone can calm those “moving in” fears when they come up, allowing you to more confidently enter a new, important stage in your life.

About the author:

Dr. Fernandez is a NYS Licensed Psychologist, with a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and over a decade of experience holding a managerial position in a Fortune 500 company. To learn more about Dr. Fernandez you can view her profile here.

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Last week a gentleman called looking for a therapist for his wife who has IBS – Irritable Bowel Syndrome.   We talked for a bit, I answered his questions to the best of my ability, and his wife followed up with a call a little bit later.  She had been suffering with IBS for a few years, had been to dozens of doctors, tried several medications and some alternative treatments, including “colon cleansing,” or colon irrigation – another term for enemas.  But that’s a whole other article…

Can I be hpnotized?

The first thing the caller said regarding hypnosis was “I don’t think I can be hypnotized.”  A lot of people, even though they want hypnosis, have this concern.  The truth about hypnosis is that if you let yourself, anyone can be hypnotized.  Hypnosis is nothing more than a very deep state of relaxation.  We all spend some of our awake time in a hypnotic trance – like when you’re driving on the freeway and you’re so “entranced” that you miss your exit, or you’re doing things that you do every day on automatic – like brushing your teeth – sometimes you can’t remember if you did them.  Your mind is elsewhere; in effect, you are in a trance.  The best definition I once read was: “Hypnosis is a natural psychophysiological state of aroused, attentive and receptive focal concentration with a corresponding relative suspension of peripheral awareness.” Basically, that means that in a state of hypnosis, your mind is focused on one thing, and everything else sort of fades away (H. Spiegel and Spiegel, 1987, in Trauma, Dissociation and Hypnotizability by Maldonado and Spiegel, 1998).

The next question the caller asked was: “How will I know what you’re doing?”  Most people are aware of what is going on around them while in a trance.  If you are in a therapeutic hypnosis session, you will usually know what the therapist is doing because you will hear them.  You will hear what they are saying, hear them moving around the room, hear their voice if it is closer or further from you, etc.  Then she asked me, “What is it like – will I just go to sleep and the next thing I know wake up?”  That part is very individual.  Again, most people remember everything. And hypnosis is different from sleep in several ways. The therapist can even give you a suggestion to remember everything – or not.  There is a very small percentage of the population that will be amnesic for the period that they were in a trance – but this is very unusual.  Of course, if you don’t want to remember anything, you probably won’t.

Trust for the therapist is a very important part of hypnosis.  I will never use hypnosis with a client in a first session, for example.  For one thing, the chances of a successful outcome are probably nil.  (There are always exceptions to every rule, and there is nothing is always 100 %.) Second, I need to get information, history, assess the client and the usual therapeutic stuff we do in therapy.  But most importantly, the client needs to feel comfortable and be able to trust the therapist in order to relax enough and let go of control enough to enter a trance.   I’m sure there are therapists and  lay hypnotists (people who are trained to practice hypnosis but are not licensed therapists) who will do hypnosis in a first session.  And that is their prerogative.
Some people are great subjects for hypnosis – they are what we call “suggestible.”   Some people resist hypnosis, and find that they either can’t get relaxed enough to allow themselves to go into a trance, or it’s a control issue or a trust issue.  If the trust isn’t there, or the “chemistry” between the therapist and the client isn’t right, it probably isn’t to happen.

There are many common myths about hypnosis, and there are many questions that people have that I have not discussed here.  Stage hypnosis is not “real” therapeutic hypnosis, and in my humble opinion, it gives hypnosis a bad name, frightens people who may otherwise benefit from pursuing therapeutic hypnosis because they think they may be made to quack like a duck, and misleads the public.  Hypnotists who perform stage hypnosis owe it to the profession and the public to use the opportunity to educate people about hypnosis and the good it can do.

By Cynthia Horacek, M.S., M.F.T.
© Cynthia Horacek, May, 2009

Reprinted with permission

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